“Alone” – Maya Angelou

Alone

Maya Angelou, 1928 – 2014

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can’t use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They’ve got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

“Bookmarks, Memories & TBI”

What I didn’t tell you in my last post was that while I was excitedly discovering books I hadn’t seen in years I discovered long lost bookmarks as well.  Not just bookmarks, but memories.  Some aren’t even bookmarks at all, at least not according to the traditional definition.  There are photos, cards, notes, even a seed packet.  All used to mark significant places in books that relate to them.

Much like a child that gets sent to his room to clean only to be distracted by long lost toys, I spent much of last night going through books discovering old, now new again, memories.

It was bittersweet.

For those who are currently suffering traumatic brain injury related memory loss, this is familiar.  I remember much of these special moments as if they happened to someone else.  Still I cherish them.  Yes, I grieve my past and its losses as I do the loss of who I used to be.  But I treasure the memories.

I treasure them for they represent much of what has made me the woman I am today.  I take them with me as I continue my journey of becoming.

I’m enjoying making new ones and look forward to making more.  So while I’ve enjoyed my time remembering, it’s time to turn around.

And look forward.

For that is the direction in which I’m going.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”  -Soren Kierkegaard

“It leaves you feeling slightly off track…”

“My Engine”

My engine has been derailed by something completely unexpected,

Affected by an accident that makes me feel isolated, even rejected.

The aftermath is daunting, unplanned and hard to withstand,

I realize that, unless you’ve experienced it, it’s difficult to understand.

This is my attempt, to the best of my ability

To explain what happened to me, for it is my responsibility.

---

Imagine if you will a freight train with cars, caboose and engine,

The engine is that on which all else is dependent and contingent.

That is the part of me that was injured, hurt and broken,

That is the physical part of which I can explain and be well spoken.

But then there are the emotional and psychological effects too,

Those are more difficult to understand and explain to you.

---

Sometimes my engine runs out of steam and you think I’m being lazy,

But my engine needs rest and I feel foggy, confused and a bit hazy.

And then there are the moods, irritable, angry and often depressed,

I don’t mean to take it out on you and I know it leaves you stressed.

But it’s really important that you understand this dilemma I’m in,

For it’s you, the normal world, on which I depend.

---

People can be insensitive about what my disability shows,

They even make jokes about what they don’t know.

I hope that my words will help set your mind at ease,

You may share them with others, if you so please.

Tell them I’m still here, though I may seem changed or strange,

I’m really still me, just amended and slightly rearranged.

-jmf

When You Wake From A Nap…

How true is this?? When my healing brain needs rest it shuts down and a nap is in order. And…it always wakes up hungry!! 🙂

Walking with Sorrow

Robert Browning Hamilton > Quotes > Quotable Quote

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”

The Power Behind the Lotus Flower

How does the lotus grow? In the well tilled, neat soil of the gardener? No, but in the dark, mucky, mud beneath murky waters of ponds and lakes.  Unattended, unnoticed until it has survived all that would do it in before having the chance to rise to the surface to bloom.

And then, once past all those seemingly insurmountable circumstances it blooms, deceivingly and delicately.  Beautifully delicately, one soft petal at a time, giving no hint of its struggle.  Unaided, but by the will and hand of God, it blooms.

Out of the mud.

The 7 Deadly Emotions of Caregiving

The title of this post is not mine but the title of the article included in this post.

Until I acquired a TBI, I’d never heard of it and now I seem to run into people all the time that either have a brain injury or are a caretaker for a loved one with a brain injury.

(There’s a name for this, by the way, it’s called “Baader Meinhof Complex”. It is the term used to describe the syndrome in which  something you just found out about or experienced seems to crop up everywhere. Interesting, that someone assigned a label to it.)

While I was making my usual run for groceries this Saturday, I decided to stop by the corner store for coffee.  The cashier and I often chat when it is slow there and the subject of brain injury came up.  I was fumbling with my change and felt the need to explain.  She began to tell me about her sister who had sustained a TBI in a auto accident about 18 months ago (about the same time as my accident).  Unlike me, however, her sister’s injury is much more severe and requires caregivers.  Those caregivers being her mother and her.  As we talked, her eyes filled with tears.  She began to explain the emotions that go along with taking care of someone with a brain injury.  The emotionally charged outbursts that leave all feeling guilty and mentally drained.  How difficult it is to get through a day only to have to get up and do it all over again the next.  I don’t know what that feels like from the outside, I only know what it feels like from the inside.

We didn’t have much time to talk, but I left her with some information about online support groups and how they are helping in my recovery.

When I returned home, I researched more.  I’ve included an article that describes and offers insight into the emotions of the caregiver.  I hope to be able to share it with her the next time that I am in the store as well.

https://www.caring.com/articles/7-deadly-emotions-of-caregiving

“Checkin’ It Twice”

I love lists almost as much as I love quotes.  We make them mentally all the time.  From daily to-do lists to bucket lists, our lives are shaped by them.  We are often entertained by them.  I used to love David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.

When I taught writing, lists were an important part of that.  My students made lists, from books that they wanted to read to things they wanted to write about, and the list of topics goes on.  It was an integral part of my teaching.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how my life has changed since my injury.  In addition, I’ve also been hearing stories from other survivors and caregivers as well.  I’ve come to understand that it’s hard to maintain relationships after TBI.  We simply are changed people.  So I’ve devised a list of what I think are the Top Five Qualities that it takes to love someone with a TBI and maintain a truly loving relationship with them.  They are in no particular order of importance.

1. Compassion – We need your love, tenderness and help even when we seem to be the least deserving of it. Sometimes we don’t like ourselves very much and we need you even more then.

2. Commitment – There will be difficult times when you’ll want to give up on us, but we need you to stick it out. Things will get better with time.

3. Patience – Your patience will be tested as we are often confused, moody and frustrated. We are going through a mental, emotional and physical healing process that seems often to take forever. We need you to be patient with us.

4. Perseverance – There will be obstacles, difficulties, discouragement along this long period of recovery. We need your strength and persistence because that fuels and encourages our healing.  You are often what keep us going.

5. Humor – Let’s face it, sometimes we just have to break all the anxiety, doom and gloom with a good dose of funny! Especially when we do stupid, often embarrassing things.  Why take it all so seriously all the time anyway?  Laughter is healing, it lightens the spirit and it just feels good!!

After I made this list I reread it.  I realized something; this isn’t just a list of qualities of those who love someone with a TBI but a list of qualities of those who LOVE period.  If you truly love someone, you possess these qualities.

So…you think you love someone today? Go over the list.  Check it.

Check it twice.

“Ernest Hemingway – TBI Sufferer!”

I was aware that Ernest Hemingway suffered from depression and his death was the result of suicide.  I remember reading “For Whom The Bell Tolls” when I was in college.  Since I am a quote hoarder, I came across the above quote and I wondered just what made him think like this…so broken.  I dug deeper.  My attention span isn’t what it should be just yet so I’m still reading, but I have learned that he suffered several concussions.  Could this have contributed to his depression?

I found the following:

“The Paris Wife” is a New York Times Bestseller written by Paula McLain about Hemingway, his wife and their life in Paris during the 1920’s.  From the website:

http://www.randomhouse.com/rhpg/features/paula_mclain/fact-vs-fiction/

she states:

“Ernest was notoriously accident-prone. In his lifetime, he suffered no fewer than ten concussions for various reasons—trench mortar, auto accidents, plane crashes, jumping from a motorcycle into a ditch. Some of his mishaps had comic elements, like pulling a skylight down on his head, or dropkicking a mirror, or shooting himself in the legs while gaffing a shark, or being clawed while playing with a lion. Some were quite terrible. Following two successive plane crashes in Africa in 1954, he was even presumed dead. In his biography of Hemingway, Jeffrey Meyer lists the various injuries sustained: “His skull was fractured, two discs of his spine were cracked, his right arm and shoulder were dislocated, his liver, right kidney and spleen were ruptured, his sphincter muscle was paralyzed by compressed vertebrae on the sciliac nerve, his arms, face and head were burned by the flames of the plane, his vision and hearing were impaired…” Days later, Hemingway was amused to read his obituary in a café in Venice. Nevertheless, the injuries continued to plague him and probably shortened his life considerably. Jack told Denis Brian, one of Hemingway’s biographers, that his father was never the same person afterwards.”

Traumatic brain injury isn’t new.  There is more being learned about it, as with any injury or illness.  Much is being learned about prevention and treatment.  However, like I’ve stated before, I wasn’t even aware of it before my own brain injury.  We have to break the silence and raise awareness.  Too many suffer from the depression and other debilitating effects that follow.

She Thought I Was Homeless!!

The following is a journal entry that I made approximately a week before my injury.  I had just spent almost a week in a detox center in Florida.

“You can’t sit there Ma’am”.  I looked at her in disbelief.  Why didn’t she say that to anyone else?  The small park at the Salvation Army office was filled with people talking, smoking and scurrying about.  She didn’t say anything to them.   I was hot and frustrated and more than a little tired.  I’d just gotten out of a detox center that was located across the street and thought that this was both a safe and logical place for me to wait for my friend to pick me up.  I was waiting patiently when a lady dressed in a dark suit approached me and quietly said those words to me.  I was too tired to ask any questions so I just said “OK”.  It was then that it hit me.  As I reached for the blue garbage bag that held my belongings I understood.  And I was livid.  She thought I was a homeless person!  I was not a homeless person and was offended.  I was an educated person with a master’s degree and had once had a career that I’m sure put hers to shame.  Yet here she was telling me to leave.  I picked up my bag and walked through the gate and onto the sidewalk.  As I rounded the corner I got even more insight as to why she’d asked me to leave.  There weren’t several what I assumed to be homeless people, there were many.  They were all gathered together under a covered concrete parking lot.  Some were laid out on benches and others were sitting in small circles chatting quietly.  All of them looked tired and weary.  I repeat.  All of them.  They were hot and simply looking for a place to rest out of the hot sun.

It was a strange sight for me.  I felt so sorry for them.  You see they were allowed behind the building but not in front of it.  I didn’t know any of their stories but I’m sure they each had one.  This would begin my journey into discovering just who these people were.  It would also catapult me into a search for who we are as a civilized society to be so ashamed of them as to make sure they remain out of sight. 

I didn’t finish the entry because my life returned to normal afterwards.  Until my fall.  And my surgery followed by my coma and recovery.  I’ve thought about this time a lot since.  What I remember of it anyway.

Recently I heard about the retired veteran in Florida who was arrested multiple times for feeding the homeless because he wasn’t in agreement with a city ordinance.  That troubled me deeply.  It seems to me that we have our values mixed up somehow.  While I love animals and am an avid supporter of animal rights, we seem, as a society, to value animal rights more than those of humans sometimes.  We are outraged when we see animals abused, mistreated, neglected and left to fend for themselves, or God forbid, go hungry.  And yet, we hide our homeless humans.  Some would argue that homeless people have gotten themselves into those situations.  Indeed, that may be the case sometimes, but not always.  We have veterans who are homeless.

I met an elderly gentleman that day who gave up his seat for me so that I could charge my phone while I waited.  As we talked for a while, he shared his story with me.  He was a veteran that had undergone 3 heart surgeries and lost his home because he simply couldn’t pay his bills.  He had become homeless because of his circumstances.  He had no family locally and was hoping to get in touch with a brother who lived out of state.

He was disabled.  When I spoke with him that day, I had no way of knowing that I’d end up the same way only a week later. I am currently awaiting disability benefits.  I hope to be able to return to my career eventually, however.  Until that time, I am getting by.  I am grateful everyday to have what I need.

Homeless people are not always what they seem.  They are our fellow humans.  Any of us have the potential of becoming homeless whether we want to consider that possibility or not.  That is the reality.  We do not deserve to be hidden away in shame because we are hard to look at.

I was only mistaken for a homeless person.  I only had to feel the shame temporarily.  I can’t imagine feeling it everyday.